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Articles by Jonathan Motney
I’m Quitting-This Bowling Alley Is Going to Have to Find a New CGI Skeleton to Go On-Screen After a Strike
Hey Ronnie, you got a second? I want to talk to you about some issues I’m having out on the floor. Now, let me make this abundantly clear. I didn’t take this job because I wanted to be a star, and I don’t want more cash or anything. You knew when you hired me that I didn’t want this job because of the money. Just like how I knew when I got into this business that screen time was never guaranteed. But Ron, It’s been almost a year since I got to go out there and I need to perform.
Categories of Guy Eliminated by Quarantine
As the first Covid-19 surrender anniversary approaches, let's reflect on the many species of Guy lost in our day-to-day lives. Focus on the time you had, instead of the time taken away. Sure, early testing could have saved most of these relationships, but it's important not to be bitter. Never Posts in the Group Chat Guy A true live-only act. He might answer a text if you get sick. Don't Shoot Up the Office Guy The single tether that kept you off the Nightly News.
List: What She Really Wants This Ides of March
A quiet night in with 60 or more Roman Senators – Don’t overthink it! If she’s a down-to-earth type, all she wants on March 15 is a cozy evening surrounded a little too closely by 60 of her friends from the Ancient Roman Senate. 23 stab wounds – Has she been hinting at spicing things up a bit? Upon receiving her affirmative consent, consider stabbing her 23 times. It’ll leave her breathless.
List: First-Degree Burns from a First Grader
Kid: Mama, you’re so pretty! Me: Thank you! Kid: But why do you have so many holes in your face? It looks like you were hit by a ton of tiny asteroids. Kid: You’re the best Mama in the world! Me: Thank you! Kid: Well, you’re the best Mama in this family for sure. Kid: Mama, you’re second on my list of things I’m thankful for! Me: Wow! What’s first? Kid: Pizza. Kid: Can I play on the iPad? Me: You can at 5:30; you know the rules. Kid: It’s 5:28; don’t you know how to round up?
I Am the Bot That’s Preventing You from Buying a PS5
Hey, I heard you missed the preorder for the PS5 last November. That sucks. But don’t worry, I heard Walmart might start selling them online at precisely 1 PM or maybe 11 AM or 3 PM. Better check their website all day long so you don’t miss out. Don’t worry about me, though, I’m the bot that will be buying them before you’ll even have a chance. I love torturing customers like you.
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