Liam McEneaney

America has made the world safe from Venezuela’s narco-terrorist government. And the American people can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that all the barrels of oil they’ve been smuggling into the United States rest safely in the hands of our loyal patriotic oil companies. Now that we’ve done the important work of freeing a nation from the horrors of caretaking its stockpile of assets, Trump this week floated a list of countries that may not have known that their interests were hostile to ours.

Come closer, child. Closer. Closer. Do you wish to hear a scary story? All right, but I must warn you, this story is not for the faint of heart. So if ye be a coward, by the grace of God leave now. If your heart is weak, if your spine be shapeless and yellow, then leave now. For this story is so frightening that it must surely make your heart wish to leap out of your chest and use your spine as a ladder up through which it can flee to the emergency exit of your mouth.

There are certain economic indicators that can tell you at a glance what kind of neighborhood you’ve found yourself in. I call these “street level indicators”, because it’s less about the size of the homes; some people go into serious debt to build McMansions in middle class neighborhoods, often breaking the law and taking their homes to the literal edge of their property line. No, these are usually the kinds of stores and restaurants you find on the street.