Mary Cella
- None, McSweeney's
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Articles by Mary Cella
Tip Top Tits: a FREE Comedy Show
The first Thursday of every month, hosts Janet Hyde and Mary Cella welcome New York City's best stand-up comedians to the at Bed-Stuy landmark Tip Top Bar & Grill. This month, they've got an all-star lineup featuring Ashton Womack (The Daily Show), Brad Howe (Adult Swim), Liz Barrett (Gotham Comedy Live), Tocarra Mallard (The Problem with Jon Stewart), and Zach Sims (Comedy Central)! Come for the laughs, stay for the $3 PBRs!
Tip Top Tits: a FREE Comedy Show
The first Thursday of every month, hosts Janet Hyde and Mary Cella welcome New York City's best stand-up comedians to the at Bed-Stuy landmark Tip Top Bar & Grill. This month, they've got an all-star lineup featuring Adam Mamawala (Comedy Central), David Drake (Comedy Central), Eman El-Husseini (Just for Laughs), Rachel Lenihan (The Chris Gethard Show), and Vannessa Jackson (Saturday Night Live)! Come for the laughs, stay for the $3 PBRs!
Tip Top Tits: a FREE Comedy Show
This long-running stand-up comedy show at your favorite dive bar features NYC's best comedians! Hosted by two women (with tits!). When and where Thu, October 20, 2022, 8:00 PM – 9:30 PM EDT Location Tip-Top Bar & Grill 432 Franklin Avenue Brooklyn, NY 11238 United States Map and directions About this event Every week, hosts Janet Hyde and Mary Cella welcome New York City's best stand-up comedians to the at Bed-Stuy landmark Tip Top Bar & Grill.
Existential Bra-Fit Quiz
What size is your current favorite bra? What is the measurement around your rib cage right under your breasts? What is the measurement around the fullest part of your breasts? Are the cups of your current bras too large, too small, just right, or good enough because, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t even matter what your boobs look like? How do your straps fit? Have you adjusted them? If you’re able to adjust them but haven’t, why not? Don’t you realize you’re in control here?
Here’s Something I Like (Not that Anyone Asked): Vapur’s Solid Flexible Water Bottle
Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like! Wearing it as a clip-on earring was Bear’s idea–he’s fashion-forward! This used to be a weekly column, but I haven’t written one in almost a year. HM, I WONDER WHY. Don’t worry, I’m not here to complain about how difficult the past year has been for me specifically because it hasn’t been difficult for me specifically, it’s been difficult for everyone generally.
Multinephron Segment Diuretic Therapy to Overcome Diuretic Resistance in Acute Heart Failure: A Single-Center Experience
Highlights • Diuretic resistance is a significant issue in acute heart failure. • Multisegment diuretic therapy with 4 diuretic classes lacks evidence for use. • Multisegment diuretic therapy increased diuretic response. • Multisegment diuretic therapy did not worsen kidney function or electrolytes. • Multisegment diuretic therapy requires prospective evaluation.
I’ve Become One of Those Women Who’re Always Talking About Their Boyfriends, But, in My Defense, We Haven’t Spent One Minute Apart in Ten Months
Since the sixth grade, when my best friend Heather “developed” early and started going out with Mike, the cutest boy in our class, I’ve insisted that I’d never become one of those girls who’s constantly talking about her boyfriend. By summer vacation, I knew every last thing about Mike—from which video games he played (all of them) to the fact that holding his hand felt like gently kneading warm bread dough, but in a good way.
Brooklyn Woman Is Happy It’s Nice Out But Honestly Just Wants To Stay Inside Today
BROOKLYN, NY — With the weather finally warming up after a brutally long winter, the citizens of all five boroughs are heading out in droves to soak up the sun. One Brooklyn resident, however, has decided to skip the crowds and stay inside. “I’m so happy it’s nice out today. I really and truly mean that. This awful weather’s had me just as depressed as everyone else, and all I’ve wanted is one nice, warm, sunny day.
Why I Decided To Turn 35
Unlike most women my age, I recently made the bold and controversial decision to turn 35–as in years old, not pounds (there’s nothing controversial about being thin!). While many women resist the urge to turn 35 and others leap clear over the age, getting plastic surgery that makes them look like their grandmothers, but hot, I decided to give into my biological craving and age, willpower be damned! Crazy? Definitely. Mature? Perhaps.
Here’s Something I Like (Not that Anyone Asked): The Chemistry Brand Extreme Hydration Concentrate
Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like! Hello from my apartment where I’m wearing my favorite shirt and no pants! Well, here we are. Or here I am, at home, and there you are, in your home. Hello. To say this is a strange time is an understatement. It’s bizarro, like that episode of Seinfeld in which Elaine finds out she’s the Elaine in another friend group composed of Jerry, Kramer and George clones.
Here’s Something I Like (Not that Anyone Asked): Blundstone Boots
Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like! Me and my Bear It’s snowing. And I mean really snowing, big flakes of white slowly drifting past my window. This isn’t the first time it’s snowed this year (I’ve already gone skiing, for Christ’s sake), but it’s the first time it feels real, like it might actually stick. The bare limbs of the trees on my block suddenly carry a dusting of white, and I suspect they may hold onto it for a few days, at least.
More Vagina-Scented Products From Goop
Pussy Perfume Take the scent of our sold-out candle with you anywhere – to a party, the office, or on the daily school run. Olio E Osso Labia Balm Our favorite lip and cheek balm is now available in a special vagina scent that’s safe to apply to any of your lips and cheeks. goop Press: The Vagina Issue A manual for all things vaginal, with special scratch n’ sniff illustrations of Gwyneth’s gorgeous vagina that will take your breath away in more ways than one. G.
Constantly Talking About My Boyfriend Is My Culture And If You Don't Like It, You Should At Least Know That His Name Is Derek And He's Six Foot Two And A Half Inches Tall 😊
Photo by bruce mars on Pexels.com My boyfriend Derek and I have been together for eight months, and it’s going really well! Ever since we met at an event downtown (but not too far downtown) benefiting kids with eyes who can’t afford designer sunglasses (sad!), we’ve been inseparable, by which I mean we hang out twice a week when Derek texts me, “hey want to hang out?” and I text back, “lol yea.” Last night, my boyfriend Derek, who grew up in New Canaan but went to boarding school in Exeter,...
Here’s Something I Like (Not that Anyone Asked): Sephora Liquid Eyeliner
Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like! Makeup Women are hard on each other. This may be news you, if you’ve never met a woman, but we criticize and compete and talk behind backs. We project our own wants, needs and preferences onto each other and sometimes hold complete strangers to these very personal standards. It’s not our fault, exactly. We’re constantly judged, so we can’t help but judge each other.
Tubman Twenty Dollar Bill Staring Julia Roberts
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Attend Mary Cella’s Satire Workshop In Brooklyn!
Yes, this is a stock photo but it also happens to be an accurate depiction of what we’ll be doing in class (writing) Hi readers and writers! I’m teaching a one-day satire workshop through the amazing Brooklyn Comedy Collective. It’s in Brooklyn on Sunday, November 24 from 1-5 p.m. and you can sign up here! If you come, I’ll teach you absolutely everything I know about satire and dog breeds (unrelated, but I know a lot about dog breeds).
Here’s Something I Like (Not that Anyone Asked): Fancy Silk Blouses
Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like! Like me, but fancy Once upon a time, I was a television producer with a closet full of work-appropriate dresses. I would lay out my clothes before my workweek started, then hang them in my closet in the order in which I planned to wear them. I had a pair of knee-high suede boots with 3″ stacked heels that slouched down over my tights, which I paired with sensible wool shifts and pencil skirts.
Come To Our FREE Little Old Lady Live Show This Thursday!
If you’re in the NYC-area this Thursday, September 26, come to our live show at the beautiful Greenlight Bookstore in Prospect Lefferts Gardens! Some of our favorite contributors will be reading pieces and performing stand-up, including Jill Weiner, Amamah Sardar, David Bradley Isenberg, Kimberly Dinaro and Pedro Salinas, plus co-editor Mary Cella will be there hosting the whole shebang (that’s what she said. And I am her so I would know. Haha). Reserve your seats here or here or just show up.
California Is Nice To Visit But Living Somewhere Pleasant Is For Cowards
Photo by Daniel Gorostieta on Pexels.com After a recent trip, I’ve concluded that California is, indeed, as beautiful as advertised on reality television shows starring women with lips so bloated they can barely open their mouths to speak — keeping third wives quiet is, I assume, the whole point of lip injections — but I will never move there. Only a spineless blonde with enough Restylane in her (or his) head to float in the shallow end would actually live in a vacation destination.
Here’s Something I Like (Not that Anyone Asked): Zucchini Season
Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like! This past week, I’ve heard about 18 people say that summer is over. They’ve all stated it in the same bold manner, as if Beyoncé herself demanded they deliver this cold, hard fact to their fellow citizens and they don’t care if we don’t like it. If I know summer, however, and after living through it more than 30 (shhh!) times, I’d like to think I do, it’s not over quite yet.
Here’s Something I Like (Not that Anyone Asked): This Madewell Jumpsuit
Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like! Modeling I’ve recently been trying (and mostly failing) to avoid spending money on my one great vice: clothes (and shoes and accessories, but that was implied, duh). Firstly because I don’t have much of an expendable income, secondly because I spent the last year selling all my clothes on the internet and whittling my wardrobe down to a small collection of essentials, with a few fun items I reserve for special occasions.
Here’s Something I Like (Not that Anyone Asked): Fanny Packs
Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like! Am I wearing it right? Somehow over the course of the last two years, I’ve become a professional dog walker. LOL. It happened by accident. I left a full-time job and struggled to cobble together freelance work, so when my unemployment (I love the government!) ran out, I needed money. I decided to get on Rover and dog sit for a little extra cash. A year and a half later I have, um, built a…business? Haha.
The First Lady Does A Spit-Take
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Classic Female-Authored Novels Rebranded as Chick Lit
“Pride and Prejudice” Elizabeth Bennet, the most IDGAF member of a girl gang of sisters, is a bad bitch who’s out to get hers. But someone keeps getting in her way—Mr. Darcy, a rich dick who can’t handle her Sasha Fierce energy. As she falls for her frenemy, Lizzie learns the hard lesson that real love may not look like the #relationshipgoals she’d always imagined. We stan, and so will you.
Here’s Something I Like (Not that Anyone Asked): Air Conditioning
Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like! My face is going to melt and my hair is going to frizz the second I walk outside but in here, it’s breezy and cool! As some (none) of you (honestly who’s even reading this) may have noticed, I haven’t written in a while, but here I am, finally out of jail! Haha. JK. (To clarify: I was not, nor have I ever been, in jail.
Things I’m Not Old Enough for Even Though I’m Definitely Old Enough to Be a Parent
Illustration by Haleigh Mun Furniture from Anywhere but IKEA When the IKEA dresser I bought in college finally fell apart, last year, I did what any other woman my age would do and purchased the exact same dresser from IKEA and then built it with a screwdriver that I stole from my dad’s toolbox a decade ago. A few months later, a former colleague invited me to her apartment and I was shocked to find that it was filled with furniture from luxury stores like CB2.
What I Would Say If I Were Going to Catcall a Man (Which I’m Not)
Good morning, gorgeous. Oh, my God, I’m so sorry, sir! I’m always a mess when I go out in public before I’ve had my coffee, but that was completely unacceptable. I’ll go stand at the other end of the platform, even though the front of the train is closer to the exit near my office. I’m truly very sorry. Have a lovely day! Hey, beautiful. No, I wasn’t talking to your dog—I was talking to you. But he’s also very beautiful. Or she?
Opinion | Safe Topics to Discuss This Holiday Season
Family. Festivity. Fun! Meeting your significant other’s grandmother for the first time, while the wine is flowing. Holiday meals can be challenging, especially in these charged times, so here’s a cheat sheet of subjects that are safe to talk about with anyone, guaranteed. Image The Food What could be safer than complimenting your hostess’s delicious cooking? Before you tell her she makes a great turkey, however, think about whether there are any vegans at the table.
These NYC restaurants will serve you a cozy Thanksgiving dinner
If the idea of traveling for Thanksgiving brings to mind the dread of canceled flights, traffic jams, and family drama, why not treat yourself and stay put this year? Rather than scrambling to make last-minute travel plans at triple the regular cost, spend that time and money on a delicious meal with friends and family in town.
This Is What People REALLY Want from a Personal Assistant
This Is What People REALLY Want from a Personal Assistant Mary CellaAug 15 The right candidate will exercise for an hour a day and allow me to reap the benefits. Joanna Avillez for Reader's Digest I’m a very busy woman looking for an assistant
to help me with certain important tasks. This is not your
average assistant job. What I’m looking for is someone to take care of some of my more personal business so that
I may focus on my true passion: grocery shopping.
Opinion | I’m So Sorry for My Loss
I avoid the subject of my mother with strangers and casual acquaintances. I don’t like to make someone feel noticeably guilty for having made me talk about my dead parent in the middle of a mutual friend’s birthday party. There have been times, particularly right after she died and I brought it up more readily, when seeing the shock and horror I was feeling reflected on another person’s face brought me some comfort.
Opinion | Wanted: A Personal Assistant for Some Unconventional Tasks
I’m a very busy woman looking for a personal assistant to help me with certain important tasks. This is not your average assistant job — you will not be getting me coffee. Actually, I would be happy to supply you with a morning latte, as errands give me a sense of purpose and a feeling of accomplishment I rarely derive from other activities in my daily life.
It’s All Pills-A Q&A with Gwyneth Paltrow About Her New Cookbook
We here at goop are happy to announce the arrival of GP’s fourth cookbook, It’s All Pills, her first co-authored with medical doctor (we swear!) Alejandro Junger. This book marks the inevitable next step in the evolution of goop and, hopefully, your personal wellness journey. GP sat down with writer Sarah Spielberg (yes, of those Spielbergs) for a candid conversation about food, exercise and motherhood as it relates to food and exercise.
I Moved to the Country and the Only Thing That’s Changed is My Inflated Feeling of Superiority
Well, we finally did it. After a decade of living in the big city, my husband and I packed up our two-bedroom apartment, got in a van and drove one whole hour north to start our new life in the country. “Wow, good for you,” you must be thinking. “What a huge and brave life change you’ve made.” Thank you. I accept your compliment as I do feel this was a courageous and risky decision, but to be perfectly honest, my life in this small town isn’t all that different from my life in the big city.
Pick Up Lines that Would Actually Work on Me
You’re gorgeous. Would you be interested in sharing your beauty secrets with me over coffee sometime? Can you pet my dog while I go to the bathroom? I couldn’t help but notice you’re here all alone. I’d love to keep you company if you’re willing to listen to me talk about my recent trip to the Global Seed Vault on the arctic island of Svalbard for three hours straight. I don’t want to interrupt your conversation but I just have to ask – who’s your favorite spin instructor and why? Hi, I’m Jim.
List: Five Times You Thought You Were Sexually Harassed But Actually Weren’t
Five Times You Thought You Were Sexually Harassed But Actually Weren’t 1. When you were in a crowded metro and you felt a hand brush against your ass. It stopped on the cheek and there was some light grabbing. You glared at the guy the hand belonged to. He looked back cockily and said, “Sorry, that was a mistake.� Surely, he would have shown some sign of guilt if he had done it intentionally. You brushed it off and figured you had imagined it. 2.
I Grieved For My Mother On the Set of Nancy Grace
Illustration: Angelica Alzona.I went to New York to interview for a job on HLN’s Nancy Grace in September of 2008, fewer than 48 hours after my mother’s funeral. When I tell people that, they always widen their eyes. I can tell what they want to ask me: “So your mom’s funeral wasn’t even the worst day of that week?”Those who know of Nancy Grace usually describe her as the crazy blond lady who used to yell about missing kids and their apparently terrible mothers on TV.
Writing Female Characters is Easy
As a man, writing male characters for the screen has always come naturally to me. I know how guys walk, talk, eat, think, and speak. Female characters, on the other hand, can be a bit more challenging. Often times my fellow male writers relegate them to uninteresting, one-dimensional stereotypes. But that doesn’t have to be the case. Follow my simple rules, and you’ll never again have problems creating relatable, dynamic, and realistic female characters.
List: Truthful Job Requirements for the Front Desk Associate Position
The right candidate will have a winning smile, the kind of smile that doesn’t die, even a little bit, even if she hasn’t found a reason to genuinely smile since she’s walked in this morning. The right candidate will have the patience of Mother Theresa and the fortitude of a Tibetan monk when paper gets jammed for the hundredth time in the piece of shit printer on which we spent two thousand dollars.
Another Motherless Day
It's often said that bad things are only supposed to happen to other people, but when my mother was diagnosed with cancer exactly a week after my 13th birthday, I wasn't surprised. I had always been keenly aware that not everyone got to have a mother, that not every mother got to watch her children grow up. Some part of me had always been expecting this bad thing. What no one expected was my mother's survival.
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