girl writer just trying to nuke her account in peace
Is this you? As a journalist, you can create a free Muck Rack account to customize your profile, list your contact preferences, and upload a portfolio of your best work.
Claim your profile
Articles by Scarlet Meyer
I Do My Best Thinking in the Shower. So I Moved My Desk Into It.
I don’t know when I do my best thinking. But I do know where: the shower. So last week I did the most obvious, logical thing. I moved my whole workspace into it. Desk, chair, books, framed medical diploma now hanging via suction cup. It makes perfect sense for what I do. I’m a therapist. A family therapist. I see clients in person once or twice a week. Divorce, death, grief, life transitions, mental health, trauma—I cover it all.
I’m a Victorian Strongwoman and I Have Some Questions About Your Gym Membership
Firstly, how many penny farthings do you have in your gymnasium courtyard? Secondly, is your courtyard cobbled? I only ask because Mabel (since died in childbirth) had the most dreadful time getting her crinolines caught in the spokes and she swears it was the cobbles. Though she did say that a penny farthing cobble ride does marvels for the hysteria. How big are your barrels of whey? Are they quite watertight? We’ve had some dreadful accidents with our barrels over the years.
Son, It’s Time Your Mother and I Pivoted from Being Your Parents to Being an AI Company
“Allbirds made a surprising announcement Wednesday that it is pivoting from shoes to artificial intelligence. The move boosted shares of the miniscule market cap company—it was valued at about $21 million at Tuesday’s close—by 582%. The shares, which were under $3 a day ago, jumped to about $17.”—CNBC Son, as much as we’ve enjoyed being your parents, we all need to face the reality that there’s only one way to survive in this economy: being an AI company.
Casting Notice for the Unaired CW Pilot Young Hamlet
SYNOPSIS High school is no picnic for anyone, but especially if you’re one of Shakespeare’s most iconic leading men. Hamlet might be the big man on campus, but that doesn’t mean he’s got it all figured out. This drama puts a much-needed spin on a classic by imagining a world where Hamlet is young and hot. - - - HAMLET Sexy football player type, but not just a football player, because we need him to be smart and sensitive too. Lacrosse team, maybe? We’ll come back to this.
Recession Indicator? This Woman Started Showing Up On Time to Zoom Meetings
× WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Aw! This Friendsgiving Group Fights Like They’re Family
ThanksgivingFriendshipFamily × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Boyfriend Was Embarrassing Before It Was Trendy
BoyfriendEmbarrassingRetro × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Woman Taking Care of Herself Emotionally, Physically and Financially Extremely Boring to Be Around Right Now
× WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Last Minute Halloween Costumes That Say, ‘I Struggle With Executive Function’
HalloweenCostumeIt's ADHD! × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Don’t Reinvent the Wheel
Don’t reinvent the wheel. Remember, you already invented it. All you need to do now is find the file where you put all the wheel invention details. First, remember what you named the file. “Invention idea: the wheel”? “Wheel stuff”? “Wheel deets”? Maybe just “wheel”? No results. Maybe re-sort the files by date and scan the file titles chronologically. When were you first thinking about the wheel project? You probably invented the wheel around this time last year, right?
Why Isn’t That Thing I’ve Been Putting Off Doing Already Done?
For hours today, I have been thinking about doing the thing. And yet I have made zero progress on doing the thing. How is this possible? Can’t you see how clean my oven is? How filed my taxes are? How very walked my dog is? And yet, the thing is still not done. I do not understand. I am not expecting miracles. I am expecting the thing to get finished if I just leave it alone and pretend it isn’t there for long enough. That’s how these things are supposed to work if life were fair. I’m incredibly patient.
Terms and Conditions of Being the Eldest Daughter in an Immigrant Family (Version 42.7)
Effective Immediately. Supersedes all previous verbal, emotional, and psychic agreements made in childhood, on birthday phone calls, or over cups of lukewarm Milo. By proceeding beyond this sentence, you (“the Eldest Daughter”) accept the full scope of responsibilities as outlined by The Family™ (“we,” “us,” “your mother”). Last updated: After your cousin got engaged. Again. To the same man. Who still hasn’t passed his exams. 1.
True Crime Podcast Where Suspect Is Guilty of Being Weird Adult Man
Episode 1: Jeb Wilkin’s neighbor Quentin McCasey was the last person to see Jeb alive and yet the police do not consider him a suspect. Instead they’re focused on the theory that Jeb may have been a victim of the Greensborough Killer. However, the week of Jeb’s murder Quentin was reportedly seen watching Jeb’s house with binoculars from his window. The night after Jeb’s murder Quentin was also spotted dragging a heavy misshapen package from his house and cramming it into his car.
Strategic Responses When My Coworkers Try Small Talk
Interests? I haven’t really developed any interests outside of work since I’m so dedicated to this company. Q: How was your weekend? A: Oh, you know, I definitely left the house. Absolutely used my gym membership. What, do I look like someone who would just let the gym charge me for months because I feel so guilty about not going but never cancel because they make you go in-person to cancel?
Review: This Audiobook Would Be Way Better If the Narrator Wasn’t Also Running Errands
Having not visited many of the great American novels since high school, I’ve decided to dive back into F. Scott Fitzgerald’s gilded age classic, The Great Gatsby. Of course, with my time, money, and attention span at a minimum, I opted for “reading” this essential work via a free audiobook ripped from YouTube. However, I’m 86% certain that Fitzgerald never references a “$5 chicken meal deal from the McValue Menu,” right? For one, McDonald’s didn’t exist back then.
Nosferatu’s Review of Coachella Weekend One
Friday I emerged from my ship onto the arid festival grounds of Indio, California. Those who dared transport me will soon die, drowning in their own blood at the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs. My shadow grows long on the playa, striking fear into the hearts of those who dare utter “Missy Elliot is kinda mid.” Famished after such a journey, I tried a plant based Hot Honey Chick’n Sandwich sold out of a retrofitted vintage RV.
Your Bank’s Insurance Application Has Been Denied Because It’s in a Heist Movie
Dear Evergreen Mutual, Thank you for considering Trinity Risk Solutions for your bank’s insurance needs. We regret to inform you that we are unable to proceed with your application. Upon thorough review, our agents have concluded that your bank only exists in the upcoming film Siege Day (2026), and current market research suggests that fictional TV and film scenes set in banks have an overwhelming tendency to develop into armed robberies. Sorry, just not a wise investment for us.
Your Health Insurance Company Has Outsourced Their Open Enrollment Decision Tool to a Magic 8 Ball
My reply is, that sounds like a “you” problem. By: Scarlet Meyer, Sara Nicole, and Meg Reid Wait, can a children’s toy really help me select my health insurance plan? — It is certain that a Mattel Magic 8 Ball™ is as accurate as you are at predicting your medical future. How much will I actually spend on each plan’s premiums, co-pays, co-insurances, deductibles, and other out-of-pockets? — Cannot predict now, just guestimate using a Mattel Vintage Abacus™.
Excerpts from an Epic Fantasy Novel Where the Protagonist Is Over Thirty
“We must journey forth,” commanded the good Wizard Byroncorn to Luanne Wyldsmith, the graceful ager and chosen one, user of hyaluronic face potions and seeker of bargain discounts. “Why do you dally so?” “If we wait until tomorrow’s pay period,” replied Luanne Wyldsmith, “I can use my membership card points to book our next stay at the inn.” “My lady, the dragon warlocks grow nearer as we speak.
Your Mama Jokes from Guy Who Is Clearly in Love with Your Mom
Hey, you there. Your mama’s so big and I’ve got a thing for tall, voluptuous women. Can I have her number? Your mama’s so old, her laugh lines got laugh lines. Which is the sign of a life well lived. Whenever she chuckles I feel my heart catch in my chest and I can’t help but giggle with her. Your mom’s like an Uber, anyone can ride if they’ve got a working credit card. I’m sorry that was a low blow. I've just got a big crush and talking about her makes me nervous.
Intrusive Thoughts That Would Actually Go Pretty Well If I Let Them Play Out
Dear Ladies: As A Man, It’s My Duty To Tell You How To Conduct Yourselves in Public I know you’re aware, but women shouldn’t swear under any circumstances because it makes me uncomfortable.
I’m the Adult in This Horror Movie and You Kids Better Not Be Doing Anything Supernatural in There
Knock knock! It’s me, the one stable adult in your life. Your bedroom door is closed and you know we have a household rule against that. So please know that I’m saying this from a place of love. I swear to God you kids better not be doing anything supernatural in there. Look, I get it. I was young once too.
As A Man, It's My Duty To Tell You How To Conduct Yourselves in Public
Dear Ms. Miranda Leightbock, I've been an avid watcher of WXBT Channel 5 News for many years. It's my go to for serious, no-nonsense current events. That's why I was so shocked this evening to see your report on the tanker truck explosion in my neighborhood, Simsbury Commons. For such a grave subject matter, I expect my news anchors to dress appropriately. Your bare arms and short hemline were distracting, and red lipstick is extremely inappropriate for an unmarried woman over the age of 30.
Imagined Diary of Woman Who Can Pull Off a Loose Braid
5:00 AM: Gentle sunbeams stream through my window. I flutter open my eyes and I rise from bed with no hesitation. After taking a deep mindful breath, I stroll outside to my gorgeous backyard and teach my daily Pilates class to the woodland creatures. They’ve chosen me as their instructor since I’m so pure of heart and braid. The deer are really making some progress, but the sparrows could work on their form.
This Couple Splits Housework Evenly by Never Doing It
LoveCoupleDivision of LaborCleaning × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
10 First Date Questions That Won’t Reveal as Much as Asking Him, ‘Who Let the Dogs Out?’
Subscribe to Coil for $5/month and get ad-free access to The Hard Times and more.
Boyfriend’s Christmas Present to Girlfriend Just Some Rock He Found
× WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL. FACEBOOK TWITTER
Every Single Website’s Holiday Gift Guide for Dad
Whiskey stones ($79.99 each) Portable speakers so he can listen to Wilco in the garage instead of the living room ($63.99) A profoundly boring pair of plaid PJs ($499.78) Slippers for him to leave on top of his pile of slippers from holidays past ($74.98 per slipper) A monthly membership to something called “Jerkies of the World” ($50/month or save 15% with annual membership, only $510 with code JERK$) A portable phone charger which runs out of juice immediately upon use ($149.99) Le Creuset...
Going for a Run? Well You Don’t Have to Brag About it Geez
Subscribe to Coil for $5/month and get ad-free access to The Hard Times and more.
Valentine’s Day Date Ideas That Are All Staying Home and Role Playing as Sexy Plague Rats
Subscribe to Coil for $5/month and get ad-free access to The Hard Times and more.
Dramatic Eyeshadows That Say, ‘I Took $100,000 Out in Loans for Acting School’
Subscribe to Coil for $5/month and get ad-free access to The Hard Times and more.
“Do Not Stop Reading This Chain Email or Something Bad Will Happen!!! ” by Scarlet Meyer – Widget
You are here: Home / Posts / Do Not Stop Reading This Chain Email or Something Bad Will Happen!!! HEY! I said don’t stop reading!!!! Ok, phew. I just saw you glancing at the door like you had somewhere else to be. Which would be weird because this takes priority, you know? That’s right, I saw you because I’m here!!!! Pretty scary right??? (Don’t look behind you to check, that would mean you would have to stop reading this email.) My name is Matt and I’m an IT technician.
How to Survive the Isolation of Being the Only Animal Crossing Bitch Who Didn’t Finish Their Egg Day Crafts in Time for Bunny Day
Get free shipping on orders over $50* with code ‘freeship’.
Friend Ending Call Early is Definitely Just Playing Animal Crossing
Subscribe to Coil for $5/month and get ad-free access to The Hard Times and more.
Yelp Reviews of Our Pets
Rudy: 4 Stars Recovered from recent stroke, but is now exploiting and manipulating human sympathy for treats and nonstop petting. He hopes this quarantine never ends, which I find both disturbing and adorable. (Catie Hogan) Zora: 4 Stars Believes herself to be an actual human baby. Requires constant attention and cannot sleep unless under the covers pressed against a warm body, regardless of outside temperature. Will wake you up by inserting her claw under your top lip and pulling.
NYC Apartment Workout
Do a few crunches then spot all the stuff you promised you’d take to Goodwill under your bed. Workout space is 4 sq ft, $2200/month + security deposit and broker’s fee. Serious inquiries only. Sometimes you just can’t seem to make it to the gym. Maybe the weather is bad. Maybe you pay too much rent on your NYC apartment and don’t want to leave so you can squeeze every penny. Maybe you just opened your wallet and bunch of tumbleweed blew out.
It is I, The Technological Wunderkind From Network TV
Stand back! Stand back! Everyone calm down. It is I, the youngest and most tech savvy member of your carefully selected crime fighting team. I’ve tied up my programmer ponytail and I’m ready to hack the mainframe. I know it must be a huge technological emergency- Oh, you just need to connect to the WiFi? It’s just kind of funny because I thought this was a real emergency. Like you needed me to disarm a missile with my iPad. Or make a fake social media account to find the bad guy’s coordinates?
“30 Under 30” Who Are Doing Just Okay
Hey there esteemed alumni! We know what you’re thinking. Last week’s newsletter about the Westbridge “30 Under 30” was a total bummer. Yes, the whole point of attending college is to eventually succeed in your chosen career fields. And sure, as a graduate of our esteemed program we’d honestly hope you’d be doing a little better by now. But we would like to apologize to you. Being an adult is just plain tough.
Horoscopes From the NSA Agent Monitoring Your Computer
Sure, I love snooping on you, but the heavens are the NSA agents of the universe. Hey astrology lovers! It’s your main man Gary, the NSA agent assigned to comb through your metadata. As you know I take my job secretly monitoring the 2000–5000 of you very seriously, as do my fellow NSA agents tasked with spying on your neighbors. Sure, you might not technically ‘know’ I’m there, but I still like to think we have a special connection, albeit pretty one-sided.
Scarlet Meyer - Medium
Ask a Hot Mess: My fiancé thinks my opinions are wrong because I’m younger than him Note: Scarlet Meyer is a writer and comedian. All opinions expressed here are her own, and she willingly puts soy sauce on her popcorn. If that doesn’t freak you out, you can submit…
10 Beauty Creams That Aren’t as Effective as Being 23
Get free shipping on orders over $50* with code ‘freeship’.
Someone created a compilation of "SNL" actors breaking character and it's amazing as it sounds
As great as it is to watch a perfectly executed SNL skit, there is something so charming and delightful about our favorite comedy actors breaking character and giggling at each other’s lines. It’s always great to catch these character breaks when they happen live, but it’s super hilarious to watch them happen all in a row. There are a lot of moments from 2000s-2010s SNL, but also some older moments as well, with Bill Hader, Kate McKinnon, and of course Jimmy Fallon making a lot of appearances.
Ask a Hot Mess: Coworker Crush Roundup
Note: Scarlet Meyer is a writer and comedian. Any opinions expressed here are her own, and she frequently get overwhelmed by basic tasks. If that doesn’t freak you out, you can send her questions here at her Sarahah. Welcome back to Ask a Hot Mess, the DIY advice column that keeps the hits coming! This week I wanted to address a topic that keeps popping up. I’ve been getting a lot of coworker romance questions lately.
I Was Ghosted By Someone I Actually Like. Here's How I Got Over It
This article was originally published on April 29th, 2016. We all know the exhilarating feeling of getting to know someone you actually like. Even though it can feel nerve-wracking and scary, it doesn’t get much better than those first couple weeks after spending time with someone you’re falling in like with. The gushing, the nervousness, and daring to imagine what might come of your new potential relationship can be really fun and exciting. But what happens when it all stops abruptly?
Ask a Hot Mess: My boyfriend’s friends are too shy talk to me
Note: Scarlet Meyer is a writer and comedian. Any opinions expressed here are her own and she drinks at least 10 cans of seltzer a day. If that doesn’t freak you out, you can submit questions to her Sarahah here: Welcome back to Ask a Hot Mess, your main source of DIY advice! This week we talk with a girl who is having trouble with her boyfriend’s friends. He says they’re shy, she feels put out. They write: Hi Scarlet, Thank you for your article on ‘My boyfriend’s friend makes me uncomfortable’.
Ask A Hot Mess: Help! I have a toxic crush pattern
Note: Scarlet Meyer is a writer and comedian. All opinions expressed here are her own, and she’s had bangs since she was three years old. If that doesn’t scare you, you can submit here via her Sarahah. Hey everyone, Welcome back to Ask a Hot Mess, the DIY advice column that runs on its own schedule! I got another coworker crush question come across my desk, which is honestly a phrase that makes my stomach go into an instant anxiety clench.
Ask a Hot Mess: My fiancé thinks my opinions are wrong because I’m younger than him
Note: Scarlet Meyer is a writer and comedian. All opinions expressed here are her own, and she willingly puts soy sauce on her popcorn. If that doesn’t freak you out, you can submit questions to her Sarahah. Happy Summer and welcome back to Ask a Hot Mess. After another random hiatus I was taking a look at my Sarahahand found a message that made me want to fire up the advice column bat signal. I get a lot of relationship questions at Ask a Hot Mess.
10 Life Hacks That Are Still Not as Effective As Putting in Effort
Subscribe to Coil for $5/month and get ad-free access to The Hard Times and more.
Aww! These Three Generations Of Women Have All Been to the Same Fucking Protest
Talk about tradition! Over the course of three different decades, Karen Bishop, 74, her daughter Lindsay, and Lindsay’s 18-year-old daughter Ellen have all been to the same protest in support of women’s reproductive rights in the United States. “In the 70s I fought to win the right to abortion access,” says grandmother of three Karen Bishop.
Ask a Hot Mess: I have an inconvenient crush on my coworker
Note: Scarlet Meyer is a writer and comedian. Any opinions expressed in this advice column are her own. If that works for you can send her questions to her Sarahah here. Happy Spring and welcome back to Ask a Hot Mess! If you’re sitting here thinking, hey, it feels like it’s been a while since I read one of these, you’re not wrong! My last post was in August. So what the hell happened? Short answer, I’ve written about it in the past, but burnout sucks.
Show More
loading
Actions
Is this you?
As a journalist, you can create a free Muck Rack account to customize your profile, list your contact preferences, and upload a portfolio of your best work.Get in touch with Scarlet
Contact Scarlet, search articles and posts on X, monitor coverage, and track replies from one place.
Learn more about Muck Rack