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Articles by Val Bodurtha
Scenes From Fast And Furious Family Therapy
By Val Bodurtha By Val Bodurtha and Tristan Peters Photo by SHVETS production THERAPIST: Okay, so, let's start by discussing why you've come to family therapy today. DOM: I guess...just like any family, we have some issues we have to work through. THERAPIST: Well, I'm not sure if I'd call you "just any family." As one example, there are forty-five of you in my office right now.
Your Request to Sever Yourself for Thanksgiving Has Been Denied
By Val Bodurtha and Tristan Peters Dear Employee, Thank you for your years of service at Lumon Industries. We have valued your contributions highly, even though we cannot tell you what they are. This correspondence is concerning the recent request you made to your Lumon supervisor to "do the severance thing" so you can "have your innie deal with Thanksgiving instead." Unfortunately, this request has been denied.
We Here At BMW Are Proud To Announce Our Subscription-Based Brakes
By Val Bodurtha Heated seats were just the beginning. By Val Bodurtha and Tristan Peters Photo by Akbar Nemati "BMW will now charge owners a subscription to use the heated seats in their cars." - WIRED, 7/24/22 We here at BMW are deeply excited to be debuting our subscription-based braking...
Wax Paul Now ft. Paul Giamatti
Three New Yorkers — television writer Rebecca Shaw, comedian Val Bodurtha and writer Sophie Mann — visit famed Times Square tourist attraction Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum. They discover that the museum allows attendees to suggest celebrities to immortalize. The trio seizes the opportunity to start a campaign to get famed award-winning character actor Paul Giamatti his own statue. The grassroots campaign goes viral, garnering national media attention and even the notice of the museum itself.
Messy Woman’s iPhone Terrified of Bars Reopening
It’s been a blessed year of growth and repair for this messy woman’s iPhone, which is usually cracked and covered in beer. Not once has it been left in a Lyft, a nameless man’s apartment, or a bar bathroom stall, only to be retrieved in the harsh light of the day 10 hours and 17 “Find My iPhone” pings later. The iPhone knows it’s not “chill” to say this, but she prefers the pandemic life.
I Am Bill Gates and You’re Just Not Worth the Microchips
Hi, I’m Bill Gates. I am an author, a philanthropist, a father, and the Co-Founder of Microsoft Corp. I am a strong believer in innovation, education, and the dissemination of verified, fact-based scientific information throughout the world. Much debate has raged around the origins of the virus known as COVID-19. The Internet has propagated many baseless rumors that I am the source of the virus, and that creating it was part of my ongoing effort to plant tracking chips inside every American.
I Am Someone Who Eats on the Subway and COVID-19 Hasn’t Changed a Thing for Me
I feast on your fear as well as on a meatball sub. Photo by Anfisa Eremina via Pexels, edited by author You can quit it with the filthy stares. I’m going to have lunch, right here, right now on the G train, and my mask is coming off. What you don’t understand is that even before COVID I was comfortable eating halibut out of a Tupperware on the New York City subway system. Do you think I care about germs? Do you presume a global pandemic might have changed something for me?
Networks And Studios Announce How They Plan To Resume Production On All Television
Hollywood’s production companies and studios have announced their plan to return to shooting, which was halted in entirety earlier this year.
Five Yummy Meals You Can Make for Your Family That Say “Fuck You”
Zoodles Nothing says “Fuck you” like zoodles. A true middle finger of a meal, zucchini noodles have been around for as long as people have enjoyed disappointing each other. Ingredients: Zucchini and the wateriest tomato sauce you can find. Think gazpacho. Prep Time: Fifty minutes, long enough to get everyone hyped for “noodles” that night, and also to spiralize the zucchini, which is actually kinda fun. 2.
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