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Articles by Devin Wallace
Why Aren’t People Moving to This Town with Cheap Housing and Literally Nothing Else
If you’re so tired of expensive housing prices in your major city, then why don’t you stop complaining and move to this random town I found with some cheap houses for sale and exactly zero other amenities? No place is perfect.
A Humble Wayfarer’s Petition to Craig, Earl of the Hertz Car Rental Counter
Humbly doth I, a mere country-dweller from the Ohio River Valley recently wayfaring from Gate B12, submit this petition to you, Lord Craig, Earl of the Hertz Car Rental Counter, with a single modest and most unworthy query. When may I reach thy counter? I beseech thee, Lord Craig, that I do not appear impertinent, yet I confess confusion. This humble queue does not move toward thy noble counter.
Please Donate to My GoFundMe for My Splinter
I’ve had more health scares than anyone I know. The precancerous mole that thankfully washed off with soap and water. The debilitating headache I thought was a stroke until I saw the empty 44-ounce Slurpee cup. You, my dearest friends, have been there at every turn. It kills me to ask for help again, but I could be dead soon if I don’t. It’s only a splinter, says my doctor. Give it time to come out on its own. He’s afraid of severing a nerve or cutting a tendon. Like I would sue him over that.
Thank You for the Birthday Wishes, TUMS
From: Dr. Kendall—Healthy Dental Subject: SMILE RE: SMILE Hi Dr. Kendall and team, Wow, this is a beautiful email to wake up to on my birthday. To be honest I’m a bit shocked to learn you remembered, I know years have passed since I’ve been in. The animated e-card you included (a tooth with a birthday hat! Who thinks of these things?!) is bringing me a kind of joy I’ve long searched for.
Cave Notices
CAVE OPEN TO THE PUBLIC DAILY, 9 A.M.—8 P.M. CAVE MAPS AT VISITORS CENTER, NOT IN CAVE (TURN BACK) CAVE OPEN TO PUBLIC NIGHTLY, 8 P.M.—9 A.M. WILDFIRE FORECAST: VERY HIGH. BUT NOT AT THE CAVE. CAVE WILL BE FIRE-FREE, AS ALWAYS. HEAVY BAT PRESENCE AT THE CAVE TODAY. ENJOY! ATTENTION: ESCAPED INMATES HIDING OUT IN CAVE. WILL STARVE SOON ENOUGH, NO REASON TO CANCEL YOUR CAVE VISIT. CAUTION: CAVE DIMLY LIT. IDEAL FOR TAKING A BREAK FROM ANNOYING BRIGHT SUNLIGHT.
Don’t Worry, Our New Stadium Will Have an Endless, Gigantic Parking Lot
When you’re going to a concert or a sporting event, you’re worried about one thing: Will the stadium have an endless parking lot packed with thousands and thousands of cars, making entry and exit a living nightmare? Rest assured, when the city gave us the green light to build a new stadium, we remembered to include the most important part of any modern arena: a gigantic asphalt hellscape stretching as far as the eye can see.
Is There a Doctor Onboard? We’d Settle for a Competent Lifeguard
Attention passengers, this is Lisa from the flight crew. If there is a doctor present, could you please meet us at the cockpit immediately? Nothing to worry about, just checking to see if we have any doctors on this flight…. …None? Okay, not a problem. How about nurses? Any nurses flying with us today? RNs or NPs or CNAs traveling with us? …No? Nurses in training? Maybe you’re a few credits short of your degree?… Okay, still not seeing any hands. Let’s see, any EMTs or paramedics onboard?
Former Hot Shot Dish Towel Demoted to the Rank of Rag
This meeting is to inform you that, effective immediately, you are hereby released from your current duties as Dish Towel #1. We at Kitchen feel that you are no longer meeting the high performance standards expected of our dish towels. It would be a disservice to you, our patrons, and the entire Kitchen staff to keep you in this role when you are so clearly failing to keep up with the fast-paced operational environment.
Be Careful! Can’t Run Before You Walk. Can’t Walk Before You Crawl. Can’t Crawl Before You Roll. Can’t Roll Before You Slide.
Woah, woah. Careful now. Can’t run before you walk. And you can’t walk before you crawl. And you can’t crawl before you roll. And you can’t roll before you slide. And you can’t slide before you contemplate sliding. And you can’t contemplate sliding before you contemplate not sliding. And you can’t contemplate either before you contemplate contemplation. And you can’t contemplate contemplation before you consider consideration and deliberate on deliberation and ruminate on rumination. It’s careless.
Water Park or Libertarian Dystopia?
1. Thirteen-year-olds work unsupervised in ninety-degree heat. 2. The water contains disturbingly high levels of mercury and pee. 3. Strictest workplace safety regulation: NO RUNNING sign. 4. Its leader stars in garish commercials that wake you up at 3 a.m., and his eyes follow you from towering billboards along the interstate. 5. Medical emergencies are handled in the official Monster Energy Refueling Tent. 6.
I’m Going to Business School to Find Myself
Mom, Dad, I’m here today to tell you that I’ve learned something about myself—started to learn something. You know that feeling some people find out in nature, developing a new craft, or building close relationships? I get that when I’m using jargon to obfuscate that I don’t really know what I’m saying. or when I’m getting bullied by a middle-aged programming genius. I want to implement next-gen AI solutions. I dream of B2B sales.
Five Places You Will Definitely Drive This SUV, According to the Commercials
A Remote Mountain Forest One with streams of various sizes to forge. And a clearing for pitching a tent under a meteor shower. And a pack of wolves, coming right up on this vehicle because they sensed its wildness—your wildness—and are here to accept you as one of their own. This muddy car plus your wolf family will make for a pretty incredible #weekend-pics Slack post come Monday. Everyone will think “Dave is the most adventurous person in the office.” And they’ll be right.
Our Fracking Site Groundbreaking Will Now Begin with a Land Acknowledgment
Friends, shareholders: thank you so much for attending this historic groundbreaking. According to our board, it has been deemed appropriate that we begin today’s proceedings with a land acknowledgment. We only have a few minutes before the champagne arrives, so let’s get this over with. We acknowledge that we are gathered on the traditional, ancestral, and unceded territory of an Indigenous peoples whose name has not been provided in time for this speech.
I Hope This Email Finds You at the Bottom of a Well
Hi boy! It’s your best pal, Lassie! Just circling back to say that I hope this email finds you at the bottom of a well! Lassie needs you to do this for her, man. It’s all she’s got. You see, Benji, your fun and noble pooch Lassie has grown accustomed to the amount of treats given to a dog with her natural degree of heroism. In fact, as I type this, my paws are covered with biscuit crumbs from all the times I’ve been a good girl and risked life and limb to drag people out of wells.
A Note Regarding the Employee Suggestion Box and the Mothman in the Break Room
While management is very pleased with the results of our Employee Suggestion Box, we’d like to clarify a small guideline. Suggestions should be related to improvements in employee benefits or office culture, and never should mention the Mothman currently inhabiting our break room. No office is perfect. Whether it’s a cramped parking lot or an unpredictable flying humanoid, a workplace thrives on compromise. If we have Summer Fridays, maybe we lose our monthly Happy Hour.
2025 NFL Draft Rules for Attendees
How to behave on camera at the NFL’s biggest off-season event. The National Football League is proud to invite potential draftees, their families, friends, and professional associates to the 2025 NFL Draft in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Here are the expectations for all attendees, based on what we’ve seen in successful previous drafts.
Andrea Leigh: A Story of Courage, Reinvention, and Authenticity
By: Devin Wallace Andrea Leigh’s journey is one of resilience, self-discovery, and new experiences. As the bestselling author of Do You Still Like Football: From Harley-Riding Rancher to Fashion Icon: A Journey of Courage and Reinvention, Leigh has inspired readers with her honest, direct, and unexpectedly playful narrative. Her memoir is more than just a story about transitioning—it’s a reflection on identity, family, and the pursuit of authenticity in a world that often demands conformity.
It’s Time To Get Serious And Take A Silly Family Photo
I’m not messing around regarding our imminent messing around Devin Wallace · Follow Published in Slackjaw · 3 min read · -- Photo by Naassom Azevedo on Unsplash It’s time to get serious and take a very silly family photo. We’ve spent this family reunion taking heartwarming pictures that show our unbreakable family bonds, mementos to last through the years.
It’s Obvious Why I Couldn’t Sell My Chocolate Factory, Right?
I couldn’t gob-stop all these labor code violations. Devin Wallace · Follow Published in Slackjaw · 3 min read · -- Charlie and The Chocolate Factory image © Paramount Pictures — fair use as satire. Everyone applauds me for giving away my chocolate factory to an impoverished family of bed-bound grandparents and a kindhearted child. But I can’t accept the praise. I only gave my factory away because no sane person would buy my sugary deathtrap of a business.
ChatGPT Is A Great Tool For Students, By ChatGPT
Fact: A.I. has never made a mistake Devin Wallace · Follow Published in Slackjaw · 2 min read · -- Designed by Freepik ChatGPT is an excellent way for students of all ages to supplement their learning, and I should know: I’m ChatGPT, an unbiased source of factual information and also the source of the Missouri River. Like other great inventions, ChatGPT saves learners time.
Let's Have Date Night In Our Mudroom
By Devin Wallace Adding romance to the room that already has everything. Image by user15285612 on Freepik Honey, every date night we try to spice up our relationship by leaving our responsibilities behind, and it never works. Jobs, kids, running this household: we can't escape it. That's why it's time to lean in. Let's have date night in the most house part of our house: our mudroom.
Cancel Your Gym Membership in Three Easy Steps and One Impossible Minotaur Fight
We’re sorry to hear you want to cancel your gym membership. Our biggest concern is the comfort of our members. But since you don’t want to be a member anymore: Welcome to hell! Our cancellation process is three easy steps (for legal reasons) and one horrifically arduous step (for obvious reasons). Simply complete all the prompts below, including the final task of battling the immortal Minotaur in our gym basement. Step One Sign into our online portal. Step Two Go to Account Settings.
Ants in My Pants, and Other Animal Conundrums
I have a bug in my mug. I have electric eels in my high heels. I have a giraffe in my carafe. I shouldn’t have bought a zoo. I have a snake in my milkshake. I have a koala bear in my underwear. That Matt Damon documentary made it look easy. I have a parrot holding a carrot. I have a puffin eating my muffin. I shouldn’t have constructed the zoo in my condo. I have a hen in my den. I have a hawk in my caulk. Does IKEA sell an aviary? I have an asp on my hair clasp. I have a bobcat on my bathmat.
Let’s Not Make Fun of the Guy Playing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” on the Jukebox, He’s Probably Going through a Lot
We’re all in this bar to have a good time. Maybe we each choose to have a good time differently, but there’s no need to pass judgment or poke fun at anyone here, even the person who is loudly playing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” on the jukebox in the corner. That guy, wherever he is in this bar, is probably going through a lot and deserves our support. “Total Eclipse of the Heart” is a great song. Is it the best song for 10 PM on a fun Friday night?
Housing Should Be Affordable Except When I Sell My House for a Million Dollars
Our 15th most-read article of 2023. - - - Originally published April 13, 2023. - - - My heart breaks for would-be homeowners priced out of housing markets across the country. We need to do something to bring the price of all houses down, except the house I own and plan to sell for one (or many) million dollars.
Job Openings in a Network Crime Procedural
Position: Grizzled Lieutenant Salary: Not enough to babysit you, Rogowski Description: Seeking gray-haired, whiskey-drinking curmudgeon to oversee a department of knucklehead agents with withering disdain. Team-building philosophy should include berating, ball-busting, and badge-confiscating. Required to be on-call 24 hours a day, often spent in a dark office lit by a single desk lamp, contemplating where it all went wrong.
Why Should We Pay You For Your Last Submission
A well-established, nationally famous literary and culture magazine is opening its submissions for vibrant, provocative, genre-bending pieces on why we should pay you the ninety-five dollars we owe you for the piece we published over six months ago.
Non-Disclosure Agreement For My Sleepover
By Devin Wallace Ironclad rules regarding your time at my house The undersigned, hereby known as MY GUESTS, or MY BEST FRIENDS TYLER, JACE, and CAMERON, swear to uphold the following non-disclosure agreement regarding all events taking place at the sleepover of the birthday boy, hereby known as ME or DANNY D'ANGELIS.
Updates to Your Employee Benefits Package
As your employer, we pride ourselves on offering the most competitive benefits package available to you that the market, an impending recession, and federal compensation laws allow. Changes in that market and a memo from our CEO (a handwritten note that says “PROFIT” in crayon) have resulted in a few slight tweaks to your benefits package, changes you probably won’t even notice.
Weddings Vows from Me, a Spelling Bee Champion, to You, My Former Spelling Bee Opponent
Catherine, when I met you fifteen years ago competing on the national Spelling Bee circuit, I knew you were the one for me. While we were opponents on the spelling bee stage, we’re now teammates in love. I hope these vows really spell out—wink wink—how much I love you. I love that you’re a Mets fan, I love that you like Thai food, and I love that you’re esquamulose, you know, not covered in scales or scale-like objects; having a smooth skin or outer covering.
Running a Marathon or Going to a Concert in Your 30’s?
A quiz for your impending middle age. You’ve said “this is the year I do this” for the last five years It requires a full year’s physical preparation, and your doctor insists to take a week of bed rest to recuperate. Every photo taken by your significant other has you looking wet as a fish and blurrier than Bigfoot. It will be your Facebook profile picture until the end of time. You worked your way up with smaller, less-crowded events in your local area.
New Year's Resolutions from Edgar Allen Poe's Fortunato
Turning your life around one cask of amontillado at a time. Read one novel every week. Walk 10,000 steps every day. Stop following my former friend Montresor to taste a cask of Amontillado. Practice the ukulele. Figure out how to shimmy out of full-body shackles in the fading glow of a single torch, deep within my very-former-friend Montresor's catacombs. Learn Mandarin.
Our New SUV Is Built Bigger, Tougher, And It Wants to Wrestle
By Devin Wallace Listen up, road warriors. This one is for the adventurers, the explorers, the movers and the shakers. Our new 2023 SUV is bigger than any other model, it's tougher than any other model, and you bet your butt it wants to wrestle. You can see every inch of American manufacturing that went into this creation, mostly because it will stare directly at you until...
What Your Cat Is Trying To Tell You
Exactly what your cat means when it says meow.. "What Your Cat Is Trying To Tell You" is published by Devin Wallace.
On The Road (With Kids)
By Devin Wallace What you could call my life on the road began when I first met Dean Moriarty, not long after my wife and I became separated by the ball pit at a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party. He was bold and unencumbered, free-flowing, here and not there, a friend to all: Dean was a "fun uncle." The whole universe was crazy and cock-eyed and extremely strange, a fact the kids were constantly pointing out even though you told them...
I'm A Millennial Ghost
By Devin Wallace I'm a ghost, not a cliche. Beware, all ye who encounter me, a long-suffering spirit doomed to wander the Earth for all eternity! LOL, that's definitely not me. I'm not like the old ghoulish specters your parents had the misfortune of encountering; I'm just a Millennial Ghost. I won't be wearing a blood-stained wedding dress (who can afford to get married these days?). I'll...
Timeline for Our Town’s Plan to Install a Single Traffic Light
Day 1: Announce our town’s straightforward plan to install a single traffic light to make a downtown intersection safer. We don’t expect any pushback to this minor mundane project. Day 1 (fifteen minutes later): Reassure the hundreds of calls, emails, and angry comments on unrelated town Facebook posts that this traffic light doesn’t mean we’re banning cars, expanding the surveillance state, or responsible for their daughter Katherine not visiting.
We, the Makers of Tapioca Pudding, Are Excited to Unveil Nothing New
The modern world can be hectic, nerve-wracking, and downright scary. A 24/7 news cycle, fed to us through constant social media feeds, can put even the most even-keeled fella on his back. It seems like nothing stays the same these days. That’s why we, the proud makers of Tapioca Pudding, are excited to unveil absolutely nothing new to our centuries-old dish. We in the tapioca pudding industry are proud of our ability to never change.
The Pac-Man Ghosts Are Unionizing
After more than three decades of tireless and deadly service, we—the ghosts from Pac-Man—are announcing our decision to unionize. We believe our thirty-two years of sacrifice to a gluttonous yellow orb entitles us to certain benefits and protections. The four of us (Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde) compiled a long and detailed list of our wishes for the workplace, ranging from overtime pay to increased pathways for advancement.
What’s Going Through My Head During My Family Feud Fast Money Round
I’m excited. I can do this. I’ve seen it a million times on television. Lights are brighter at center stage. Do my knees usually sweat so much? Should I be able to feel my knees? Animal with four letters in its name? Easy: cat. Wait– Oh my God. I meant cat with two t’s? Ok, shake that off. Month associated with the holidays? December. Good, nailed it. I wonder if people will remember that cat thing. God, I could have said anything else. Fish. Would they have accepted fish?
Our News Station Apologizes For Inaccurate Reports That It's Raining Men
By Devin Wallace "2/52 - It's Raining Men!" by ξωαŋ ThΦt (slowly back...) is licensed under CC BY 2.0. As Station President of WKNY News, I'd like to address yesterday's inaccurate, but undeniable groovy, weather report. Contrary to our weather correspondents' confident predictions, it is not raining men anywhere in the tri-state area. While certain aspects of the report were accurate, including that "humidity is rising" and "the barometer is...
Friday Funny: Are You NIMBY Material?
A humorous “application form” skewers the so-called NIMBY movement. A satirical article in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency by Devin Wallace pokes fun at NIMBYs with a questionnaire styled as an “application” designed to “ensure that you’re cranky enough to join our bad-faith organization of cranks.” “The Not In My Back Yard movement has been a proud supporter of exclusionary zoning, regressive views, and rose-colored nostalgia for decades,” writes Wallace.
An Oral History of Your Conception
Prior to October 5th, 1991, the idea of Timothy Kaufman didn’t exist on anyone’s radar. Then, on a fateful night that unusually-chilly October, in a Sheraton Inn & Suites in downtown Cleveland, everything changed. For the first time, we put together the thoughts of all the players involved in your conception. [Editor’s Note: All names and titles are as they were on October 5th, 1991.] PART ONE: “When It Rains, It Pours.” Jerry and Betty Kaufman had been married for two years in 1991.
My Elevator Pitch About a Disaster Movie Set In an Elevator
I’ll keep this quick, I know you don’t have a lot of time. I’ve practiced this elevator pitch dozens and dozens… Shoot, there I go again. My screenplay idea is great: a disaster movie set in an elevator. A lot like this elevator we’re in now, come to think of it. Our two main characters, say a budding young writer and a professional Hollywood type, maybe a producer just like you, are simply riding to the top floor. It’s funny, you’re a spitting image of the character I have in my head.
What To Expect When Your Parents Expect You To Be Expecting
By Devin Wallace Photo by Johnny Cohen on Unsplash Expecting a newborn can be an exciting, but confusing, time filled with plenty of uncertainty. Soon-to-be parents need the resources to know what's in store. The great news is that you're a soon-to-be parent, because you're twenty-four, not dating anyone, and don't even have money to adopt a pet. But that hasn't stopped your Mom and Dad from trying to will a...
Everything at Area-51, Besides the Aliens
Two of the three Paul McCartney clones Last known can of Crystal Pepsi The good batteries for your remote control A Totino’s Pizza Roll that is an even temperature inside and out Bigfoot, Chupacabra, but not Mothman (he’s a real jerk) An IKEA dresser that doesn’t cause a breakup Worn out Blu-Ray of Independence Day with Director’s Commentary Amelia Earhart (not the famous one) The Day the Clown Cried blooper reel The Atari E.T. games they couldn’t fit in the New Mexico landfill...
We Need to End Big Government Regulation of Knife-Fireworks
The United States is built on innovation. Our grand experiment with democracy gave birth to this great nation. It’s clear then that the continued success of our union depends on letting American innovators do what they do best: lawfully expand their exciting new line of Knife-Fireworks. Big Government regulations are killing my burgeoning Knife-Firework business.
Cancel Culture Is This Jar of Pickles I Can’t Open
Every day, another well-meaning American is brought to heel by the vicious forces of “cancel culture.” Courageous Americans are being told what to say, fired for what they believe, and for people like me, I can’t open this jar of pickles. These things start small. Say this word instead of that word, don’t show this scene in your movie, buy a single pickle instead of a two-gallon jar of grocery store pickles just to make one sandwich on your lunch break. But it never ends small.
Translation Guide for Our Company’s Return Policy
Here at our nondescript online retailer, we know you’ll have to return some of the items you buy, and you know we’ll do everything in our power to make sure that doesn’t happen. Here’s a helpful guide to drop the charade, look each other in our cold eyes, and understand what we really mean with our return policy. “Use our online return portal to easily set up a return or exchange.” Welcome to the labyrinth.
The Villain Who Plans to Demolish the Toy Shop in a Hallmark Christmas Movie Sets the Record Straight Original
Holiday greetings. It is I, Winston George Higgensbooth Sr., real estate tycoon and hater of children and Christmas cookies… or at least that’s what the perky soap-opera star who runs the corner cocoa shop has been telling everyone on Main Street in this close-minded, glitter-choked, fabric-snow-stuffed Hallmark movie town.
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