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Articles by Harris Mayersohn
Scaled-Back Benefits for a Silicon Valley Recession Original
Since the start of the year, 297 tech companies laid off nearly 95,000 workers. . . . If that rate continues, the industry could cut more than 900,000 jobs in 2023. That’s nearly six times the total for the industry in 2022. In many ways, these recent firings are in line with our vaguely worded core values—layoffs are the ultimate disruption. No longer does Silicon Valley just disrupt tried-and-true ways of doing business. Now we also shake up people’s financial security.
Ends and Means
I have had a non-unsubstantial number of conversations about Nathan Fielder’s new series The Rehearsal over the past month. The show works as straight comedy but feels more interesting as something else. What exactly? I’m not sure. Perhaps a litmus test for one’s ability to endure cringe and/or general empathy levels? A follow-up character study of the “Nathan Fielder” persona1? An increasingly rare exercise in true Hollywood-funded monomaniacal art?
Better Ways to Answer “How Are You?”
Instead of: “All right.” Try saying: “Life is a gift.” Instead of: “I’m surviving.” Try saying: “I am living testament to Darwin’s evolutionary theories.” Instead of: “Work is killing me.” Try saying: “I’m fortunate to work for the fine people at Blackheart Universal Conglomeration.” Instead of: “I’m tired.” Try saying: “Vital readings indicate that I am capable of completing the day’s tasks, sir.” Instead of: “I haven’t been sleeping.” Try saying: “I am Thinktificating™ up exciting,...
We're Not Making Fun Of Anybody
Like most red-blooded, American men, I’ve spent a non-insignificant amount of time these past few weeks rewatching Jackass clips. There’s been plenty written about the cultural importance of Jackass in the lead up to the franchise’s fourth film, Jackass Forever. Some of it very good, most redundant. The appeal of Jackass has always been rooted in familiarity.
Omaze Celebrity Charity Campaigns Nobody Bid On
Work at “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” for a Day You’re hired! Join the staff of the Daytime Emmy-winning talk show for an insider’s look at how the program comes together.
Internet Spam (for Spam)
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The N.B.A.’s New COVID-19 Protocol
After witnessing some opposing players disregarding new league rules against unnecessary contact on game nights, the NBA is moving team security into the midcourt area to dissuade violations that include hugging and handshakes, according to a league memo. —ESPN, January 20, 2021 The current N.B.A. season got off to a bit of a rocky start.
Queer Nihilist Opera for The Last Days of Capitalism
In the climactic final encounter of Death to Smoochy, Rainbow Randolph (Robin Williams) wrestles a sniper rifle away from an assassin in the scaffolding above an ice show. Below, his former rival, a pink rhinoceros named Smoochy (Edward Norton), skates through an operatic rendition of his troubled career in show business. As the cops separate Randolph from the killer, they ask if he’s ok.
Whatever It Is You're Looking For
“If you could, with a single act, change the whole trajectory of your life, would you do it?” – Jane F * Smoking weed itself isn’t necessarily funny. But, most things are funnier if you’re smoking weed. * We begin on a Ferris wheel. A blonde in a red hoodie is listening to a disembodied voice, possibly God. “This is the story of how a person got from point A, to point Z,” he says. “Some call it fate. Others, chance. But whatever you call it, it sure is an interesting thing to ponder, don’t you think?
Important Stuff: On The Bush-Era Satire of Sacha Baron Cohen
Who exactly should we blame for our national clusterfuck? One of the more interesting options, as suggested by British documentarian Adam Curtis, would be Patti Smith. In 2016’s HyperNormalisation, Curtis argues that Smith and her peers, disillusioned by the failed promises of the ‘60s, kickstarted a cultural shift with seismic consequences. [Artists] didn’t try and change [the world]. They just experienced it.
Everyone Hates Me
Ugh, everyone totally hates me. Everyone, including my pediatrician, the stranger at Panera who told me I have a “beautiful aura,” and anyone else who has ever existed, thinks I am the worst human ever—I just know it. Absolutely every single person on earth has hated me since I was a wee lad. Whereas most wee lads are the subject of their parents’ adoration, I was raised with outright derision.
Your Spotify Quarantine-in-Review
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Pickup Lines That Work Every Time (If You’re Trying to Pick Me, a Guy Who Lives in Brooklyn, Up)
Can I buy you a drink? You seem like the type of guy who’s waiting on a freelance check from Vice. Are you a member of the indie folk band Big Thief? Because you’re stealing my heart. Also, you kind of look like the bassist. I could take things slow, but your mustache makes me think you prefer single-speed. Damn, boy, everyone at this bar must be blind because you’re getting less attention than “Zodiac” during the 2007-08 awards season.
These 9 Characters Show Up in Every Sports-Comedy Movie
The genre’s best offerings possess about as much nuance as a fastball to the crotch. But that’s why we love them. Photo: Courtesy of Universal Pictures Sports comedies exist smack dab in the center of my Venn diagram of favorite hobbies: sports and movies.
Even More Historical Events as Reimagined by Quentin Tarantino
Photograph from Moviestore Collection / Alamy Martin Luther’s Posting of the Ninety-five Theses Before he can reform the Roman Catholic Church, Martin Luther must first fight off ninety-five yakuza disguised as priests. After defeating them all, Martin hammers his Ninety-five Theses onto the door of the Fatburger on Cahuenga Boulevard.
List: Rejected Song Titles From Vampire Weekend’s New Album
“Ancient Assyria” “Sacajawea Coin” “Kombucha” “Columbia Quadrangle” “Kyoto” “MLA Style” “Wowie (Ironic)” “MoMa PS1” “Bernie Sanders Sha Na Na” “Syllabi” “Gentrified Bodega” “Ivy League Meme” “99% Invisible” “George Saunders Reference (Annotated)” “Plagiarized Epitaph” “Bichon Frosé” “Semester At Sea” “Durban Sombrero” “Hamilton Ticket Lottery” “Sans Serif” “Plié on Words” “UN Ambassador” “Mona Lisa Smile” “Gowanus Canal” “Garden State (Great Movie)” “Judaica Flea Market” “Patrick Wilson...
Will McPhail | The New Yorker
Daily Shouts Decoding the Author Photo Well-Lit, Flattering Photo: This person either is dating a photographer or hired a publicist. Blurry Photo: This person writes highbrow fiction. September 20, 2021 Daily Shouts A Small Sampling of Cafés The house brew is a mischievous blend, with notes of fermented apricot and polished concrete.
What Happens When You Stop Following Trump News: A Week-by-Week Guide
Week 1: About halfway through your first week of not obsessively following the 24/7 news coverage of Trumpworld, you notice the constant and acute throbbing in your temple has been reduced to a dull hum. You may also be able to take deep breaths for the first time in what feels like forever (i.e. since November 8, 2016), although this symptom could take until the second or third week of your cleanse to manifest itself.
F.B.I. Headquarters Remodelled for President Trump
“Even the building is terrible. It’s one of the brutalist-type buildings, you know, brutalist architecture. Honestly, I think it’s one of the ugliest buildings in the city.”—Donald Trump on the J. Edgar Hoover Building Earlier this summer, President Donald Trump contracted my architectural firm, Kushner + Medevenko Design, to propose possible remodels of the stylistic nightmare that is the J. Edgar Hoover F.B.I. building.
Melania’s Search History
How to Write a New Yorker Cartoon Caption: Nick Offerman Edition The actor Nick Offerman, who stars in the upcoming film “Hearts Beat Loud,” takes a shot at The New Yorker’s cartoon-caption contest.
List: Written By Author Gene Simmons or Title I Suggested to Author Gene Simmons In a Recent Letter to the KISS Fan Mail Address?
Written By Author Gene Simmons or Title I Suggested to Author Gene Simmons In a Recent Letter to the Fan Mail Address? 1. KISS Me When I’m Gone 7. Pyro or the High Road: How to Make Your Live Show Stand Out 8. Ladies of the Night: A Historical and Personal Perspective on the Oldest Profession in the World 9. How To Unleash Your Inner Rock God 10. KISStanbul, Not KISStantinople: KISS in the Middle East 14.
What to Say Instead of “Sorry”
An important part of self-confidence and self-care is learning to show appreciation for others rather than blaming yourself. Too many people say “sorry” when that’s not what they really mean! As an exercise, next time you want to say “sorry,” try saying something that conveys “thank you” instead.
We Are the HBO Hackers and These Are Our Demands - Paste Magazine
HBO was recently hacked by an anonymous group. There was no reason given for the hack, but Paste has just acquired a copy of the hackers’ note to HBO. After much internal debate, we have decided to publish these demands. As you are probably aware, we recently hacked into your mainframe and started leaking Game Of Thrones scripts. Please know: This is just the beginning.
The Higgs Weldon
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!
My Love For You Burns Like This Dumpster Fire I Accidentally Started.
My Love For You Burns Like This Dumpster Fire I Accidentally Started. This was the last straw. I’m over you. My bedroom is full of bad memories and I must cleanse myself of you. First go the pillows we once nuzzled. They smell too strongly of your Suave Ocean Breeze-scented conditioner. My tears only amplify their stench. So out the window they go and into the dumpster they’ll stay. Next go your letters, so filled with lies of love and humility. How you “promised” you’d stay true.
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