Stephen Statler

McSweeney's — Hello Sam! How long has it been? We HAVE to get together. I miss you so much. I am clearly just the Uber driver for my kids now. Between Jordan's water polo and Mikayla's band stuff, I've got like 400,000 miles to drive over the next few years.

McSweeney's — HER: I notice that your towel stinks after one shower. I worry that if you stink that bad on the outside, you must stink on the inside, like you have a rotten soul. Does that sound weird? HIM: No, not at all.

McSweeney's — Where x = batting average of son y = dad's personal dreams unfulfilled m = years left in dad's marriage with mom c = games where child refused to wear cup g = games where child cried b = dad's current blood pressure p = times dad passed over for

McSweeney's — Dad, can I please get Machine Gun Your Face 4 for the Xbox? Logan has it and Caden has it. It's way less violent than Machine Gun Your Face 3. The blood is like purple, it's not even realistic, and the things you kill are like aliens, they're not even real people.

punchnels.com — Dear Ben, I totally respect that your particular religion requires you to abstain from sports on Sundays. But Sunday is our 3rd grade championship game, and the fact is we can't win without your son, Jonah. We have seven boys who are fair-to-middling at best, and then my son Coop who can't dribble twice without.

McSweeney's — President Donald Trump suggested he's smarter than Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, saying in an interview published Tuesday that if Tillerson did call him a moron, as reported, the two should ''compare IQ tests.'' - Associated Press, 10/10/17 The day after the day after tomorrow is four days before Monday.

McSweeney's — "[Secretary of State] Tillerson had openly disparaged the president, referring to him as a 'moron,' after a July 20 meeting at the Pentagon with members of Trump's national security team and Cabinet officials, according to three officials familiar with the incident."

pointsincase.com — I get that you have to work. I get that you can't leave me inside the house because I'd go through the garbage, eat the cat's poop, etc, I get that. What I don't get is why you can't build an actual fence around the yard, instead of subjecting to me to this heinous "invisible" fence, which I'm pretty sure is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

bullmensfiction.com — C an Thunder Win NBA Title Without Durant? (19 Comments) by Stephen Statler -------- COMMENTS (21) DradleCock This article is bullsh*t. The Thunder def. can't win a championship without Durant. Warriors are jacked. Not a fair fight. Steph, Klay, Draymond and Durant? R u kidding me? Game is rigged.

pointsincase.com — Now you work at Best Buy. When it comes to getting older There's really nothing funny to say. If I could do it all over again there's only one thing I'd change... I wouldn't marry you. You're perfect just the way you are. Smoking weed and playing GTA on the couch.

pointsincase.com — On Friday, we hiked to a secluded waterfall, snacking on Flax and Chia Seed Fruit Bars and Sliced Jalapeño Yogurt Cheese. At the waterfall, Uncle Trader Joe held my clothes while I showered with Tea Tree Tingle Shampoo and Body Wash.